There are a number of resources available to military members and their families. You deserve happiness, you deserve to be in control, and you deserve to feel whole. Getting help was the scariest, most intimidating and most liberating decision I have made for myself. Whatever is holding you back, whatever fears you have, they are not worth your life. There are people standing by ready and waiting to help you, please, go to them. You are not helpless and you are not weak. To those of you battling this monster, you are not alone. While the world can always be worse in your eyes, you cannot see into the world of the person in front of you. Most importantly, do not trivialize the pain someone is experiencing. Look for the person who is withdrawn and feels hopeless. We can look for signs of suicidal behavior, but just like my three loved ones, not everyone will show the signs.Ĭonnect with your fellow Airmen so you can identify when they seem off or act different than before. You never know who is battling a monster within. You cannot fight their battles for them you gave them your love, and that is all you could do.Īs we move through the month of September, Suicide Prevention Month, I ask one thing of you - embrace everyone you meet with empathy and understanding. What if I had called? Why did I not see the signs? Why did I not do more? Somehow, taking the blame for your loved one’s decision is more palatable than accepting the fact you had no control. It is easy to convince yourself that you are the reason it happened. To those of you who have also lost loved ones to suicide, remember, it is not your fault. The monster says there is no turning back, there is no hope and you have no way out.ĭo not choose a permanent solution to fix a temporary state. It says you are not worthy, no one loves you, and you have no control. It clouds my reality, leads me to question everything and even re-writes history. My inner monster fills my head with lies. I am no stranger to the plight of mental illness. Forces more powerful than anything you have experienced before, except the will to live.Įach of us battle these forces in our own way. Forces impossible to understand unless you have come face-to-face with them. Their choice was influenced by forces we outsiders cannot see and hear. It is the most personal and independent decision an individual can make. It is impossible to determine the exact reason a person chooses suicide. They were the kind of people you would not expect this from. They were the kind of people you want to surround yourself with. There were few people they did not get along with. Time seemed to stand still as my husband tried to comprehend his loss.Īll three of these loved ones could be described as warm, charismatic, humorous and captivating. Once again, I was face-to-face with the haunting look from before. The sound of pure panic and confusion, the sound of a loved one trying to make sense of something senseless. I will never forget the inaudible phone call I received in the middle of the grocery store. It was a family member on my husband’s side, someone I had met briefly, but grown fond of. The third time it happened, I was somewhat of an outsider to the situation. It was in this moment I understood the true tragedy of suicide.
It was in this moment I understood what I had not been able to before. His anger entangled with sorrow, misplaced guilt laced with regret and an overwhelming confusion hung in the air as he remained silent. I felt his overwhelming mix of emotions through his empty expression. Like me, he did not have the luxury of childhood innocence to shield him from reality.
It is a look I hoped to never see again, and a feeling I would not wish upon my worst enemy. It was the kind of look that sends chills down your spine and stops you in your tracks. The most vivid memory I have from this experience is the blank and vacant look on my cousin’s face as he gazed upon his father’s grave. I still remember the cryptic text message from my mother, “we need to talk now.” I assumed something bad had happened, but was not prepared for the freight train that was about to hit me. I was an adult, stationed thousands of miles away from everyone I loved. The second time it happened, I did not have the luxury of childhood innocence. The first time I was brushed by the cold hand of suicide, I could not understand. I had experienced loss to death before, but not like this.
I was innocent to the whirlwind of chaos around me, ignorant to the tragedy of a self-inflicted death. The first time it happened I was a child.
0 kommentar(er)
